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It’s been revealed today that billionaire Mark Zuckerberg is so far up Donald Trump’s arse that he can see haemorrhoids forming inside the US president’s rectum.

Mark Zuckerberg has been seemingly cosying up to Trump in recent months, with his conglomerate Meta donating $1m to Trump’s inauguration.

“At least I’m not lonely up here,” Zuckerberg told us from deep inside Trumps anal passage.

“I have my old pal Jeff Bezos to keep me company.

“It’s tough being away from the wife and kids, but needs must. I’m hoping that if I stay up here long enough then Trump will stop the EU from being so mean to me. It’s not my fault we broke all those antitrust rules, is it?

“Uh oh. I can hear something brewing in the intestines. I suppose that’s the downside to eating nothing but McDonald’s all day.

“Put your hood up, Jeff. It sounds like a sloppy one.”

Zuckerberg’s rectal weekend getaway follows the announcement that he will attend Donald Trump’s inauguration, along with fellow billionaires Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk. 

“I’m really excited for it,” Zuckerberg admitted. “I used to get really nervous around crowds, but now I feel like I know each one of them personally.

“After all, I do have all of their names and addresses.”

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